Apology - not really sorry

When we feel wronged or hurt by someone, an apology can help make amends and go toward restoring the relationship. 

Too often though, what gets offered as an apology falls a long way short.

That non-apology feeling

When the other person is not genuinely sorry, this tends to add even more hurt and damage to the situation. We may not know exactly what we want to hear, but we know immediately when an apology is not wholehearted or not genuine. 

Recently, I was offered what I considered a sorry apology for an apology. It aggravated the situation, and I wasn't prepared to accept it.

Since then, I have been thinking about what goes into making a genuine apology. 

The word sorry is an important one in everyone's vocabulary. However, some don't seem to know how to use it.

Some people can't seem to say sorry

Some people just can't admit any wrongdoing. It's like they fear that an apology might be used against them. Perhaps they are so wrapped up in this concern, they fail to see the other person's point of view. Being unable to apologise is a sign of underlying insecurity. (Of course, some people are just not sorry!) 

People in public office are notoriously bad in at apologies, and tend to evade the word 'sorry' altogether. Maybe they think a heartfelt apology will open them to more criticism or accusations of wrongdoing.

So, avoiding saying "sorry" plays a self-protective function for insecure people. 

And for such people, a whole world of non-apologies is up for grabs.

The non-apology is extremely common and glaringly obvious. You've probably experienced several. 

• "I'm sorry you feel so upset."
• "I was just trying to help."
• "I regret that you heard me saying that."
• "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you."
• "I feel bad that you are hurt."

But apart from the sense that a person is not actually sincere, it's not always apparent just what is missing.

The dictionary doesn't help much:
    ♦️  Apology: an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret
    ♦️  Sorry: feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence.

Is this what is needed for a genuine apology: admission of error, regret, sorrow, penitence? 

Admission of error seems essential. You want to know the person accepts they have done something wrong or that has caused you hurt. That's what the politicians struggle with so much! It is missing in most of the non-apologies above.

Regret, sorrow, penitence, though, seem unhelpful words. "I regret that I was caught out" and "I regret that you feel hurt" are missing the point. Likewise, "I'm sorry you are upset" and "I'm sorry I'm not good at everything like you" are serious non-apologies. Penitence is just a fancy way of saying regret that we don't use, so I'm not bothering with examples. 

Instead, remorse or contrition is a more accurate concept, but on its own, feeling remorse is not enough to make an apology. 

Mistakes happen; we all do the wrong thing sometimes; hurt happens. Being genuinely apologetic is about making amends and moving forward in our relationships. The non-apologies and the dictionary definitions don't include any words about what the person will do to make things better. 

An apology is not a stand-in for taking action to make amends. It's just the first step; changes also have to be promised, and to happen.

As well as the important word sorry, the genuine apology requires three essential components:

• Showing empathy and remorse based on recognising the person's feelings
• Accurately identifying the hurtful actions for which you are sorry
• Taking responsibility for causing the hurt and saying how you will act differently in the future to avoid more hurt. 

Such a complex concept works better in a diagram that shows how these three components may or may not be present in what gets offered as an apology. 

The genuine apology needs a Venn diagram

In each of the individual circles and the intersects of any two circles, the diagram shows the various non-apologies you might hear. Outside the Venn are the types of things people say when they will not admit they did anything wrong at all. 

The genuine apology is the intersect of all three components in the middle. A genuine apology is long because it has to cover all three. I've written an example below the diagram.

So, next time you hear the non-apology, "I'm sorry you're upset" from someone who has hurt you, you will know exactly why it sounds so damn irritating!

Apologies are part of life, but they can be scary to give. There is no way to know for sure whether the other person will accept it. 

Ensuring your apology is genuine improves the odds.

Images used under Creative Commons licence

• Sorry-not-sorry: De LIMO 5 - Trabajo propio, CC BY-SA 4.0
• Genuine apology Venn diagram: the author.